Beautiful

Today is beautiful. And I woke up early, went over to Campus Center to eat breakfast and drink coffee and read for Spanish for an hour, and then Spanish was cancelled. This is beautiful. All I have left to do is Shakespeare class and dance- two of my favorite things :)

I've been upset a lot lately, but I can't be upset today. It is beautiful.

Sarah just turned on the TV and someone just said "C3PO's not gay. He's just British."

blank

I don't want to deal with anyone right now, and this is not helping me.

Go

I want to go. I want to get out, go places, get away from here, not because I don't like it here, but because there are so many other places to be. I feel stuck here, I feel trapped, is that weird? Do other people feel trapped? Is that normal, am I normal? I feel like the Internet is holding me captive, and my possessions are possessing me, and I feel like "well, I could go places, but I really just want to sit at my desk and browse the Internet, looking at all the things and places I'm not."

What's a human to do?

*edit*
Also, I am really developing a hatred for video games. I feel like they are separating me from my friends because I hate just sitting around being ignored while they do shit I don't care about. Every night I am alone.

Argh

Why the fuck is the Spring Formal during Relay for Life? Goddamnit I am already worried about people not showing up and now there will definitely be less. And I wanted to GO to that formal. This is not fair.

And there is an extra dance practice scheduled for Friday, and my choreographer asked everyone when they were free, and it still got scheduled at a time when I cannot be there. It's at 3:45 and I have a meeting for Summer Shakespeare from 3 to 5. So that's really not cool either. This weekend is so stressful. I cannot stand it. I am tired of everything that is going on, I can't do all of this. Sigh. I am a little bit freaking out.

I also probably need to change advisors, and get a time for advising figured out, and I am just freaking out. All I want to do is go for a walk and I don't even have anyone to go with me. Goddamnit.

Back at school

Arrived back at SMCM today. I guess it is nice to be back- I love it here and I'm excited to see my friends, but I was also just getting used to being at home with the amazing weather. I have a lot of work to do, too, but I'll get it done. Only half a semester left for the year. I know I can do it.

Also, it is the official first day of spring! I'm enjoying it. Spring and fall are my favorite seasons.

This upcoming weekend is Relay for Life, and the next weekend I'm going home and to DC to see Vampire Weekend, and then the next weekend is the dance show. Oh goodness. Gonna be a busy couple o' weeks.

Mutiny, I Promise You

What's the weight of the world worth to you, kid
Go write down what you see
And see how far it can go
What's the weight of the world worth to your side
Here is where you got lost
And here is how you got by

And here's the mutiny I promised you
And here's the party it turned into
And here's the mutiny I promised you
And here's the moment it turned into

Facebook

So lately I have realized that when I get upset/depressed and I'm on the computer, I delete Facebook friends. And pictures. And information. I just try to erase myself. But I get upset when people delete me off their Facebook. I deleted like twenty people tonight, it was so productive.

It doesn't even feel like 11:30. What kind of night is this? What day is it? It's Wednesday? I can't even keep track of it, even more. I feel fine sometimes, and then I feel upset, and then I feel dead, and I am screaming inside but I can't say anything out loud, and I just want to talk, but I don't know who I want to talk to, and this isn't even the kind of post I meant to be writing. This is what I write on my private blog not my public one. Must. Censor. Self.

I'm just sort of a mess right now, for no reason. I really am looking forward to spring break. I am tired out and I am confused. I feel like I am never done, even when I maybe am. And crap, I went home tonight so that I could do extra work and get ahead. Obviously, I've done nothing. I just can't function sometimes.

Weather

The weather is gorgeous here lately. I love it. I love this place, this school, Maryland, everything about it. Not such a fan of the cold weather, but when it started getting warmer out I remembered exactly why I fell in love with this place.

I need to be doing work, but don't have motivation. I'm Facebook stalking like there is no tomorrow, and I sort of wish I didn't do it so much, but I am fascinated by other people. Which is why I am so into psychology, social psych, anthro, sociology... I love people. They're all so interesting. I want to know all that I can know about everyone, and I get frustrated when I can't find things out. Because I am generally too shy to actually TALK to someone, so I just Facebook stalk the hell out of them, and they never know.

Monday morning

Sigh.

I love my friends more than anything.

Last night was a really good night, even though it was a school night and I was doing homework... just hung out with Caroline and Mark in his room for a really long time, just talked, and listened to music, and whined about the Spanish paper I was writing, but it was really great. And then went to breakfast with them this morning. It was just a really nice experience and at one point I was just thinking, "Man, I really love that I can do this in college."

I am in a pretty big mushy romantic mood. Don't know why. It is not really a bad thing, I guess. Just not much to do about it. Hm.

Good Morning!

When I was a little kid and my mom would come into my room to wake me up, she would always sing this one song from Singing in the Rain. So when I wake up here at school and I'm tired, I sing it to myself in my head. This is how part of it goes:

Good mornin', good mornin'!
We've talked the whole night through,
Good mornin', good mornin' to you.

Good mornin', good mornin'!
It's great to stay up late,
Good mornin', good mornin' to you.

I only know part of the words so I had to look that much up, but it just always makes me happier. It kind of isn't the same without the tune, but you can probably look it up on Youtube or something. It just starts my day off a little better. Especially if I have stayed up late and am tired.

Today is Friday! I am starting right now to be determined to make this a good day. It's 10 a.m. and I am already partially dressed and all the way showered, I only have one class, and then I have to do some homework but it is still going to be THE WEEKEND. And my mom and brother are coming to brunch tomorrow! I can do it. I can do it nine times.

There is also only one week left until Spring break, so I need to chill out a little bit. I don't have that much further to go. I think I can I think I can I think I can.

More, Rambling

I just feel full again- my head feels full, filled up, fuzzy- with thoughts or emotions or something. I'm unsure what to do about it. I feel overwhelmed. I am blaming part of it on Relay for Life. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to sign up to be a captain... actually, I didn't sign myself up to be a captain. Carlo did. But it is so much work. I am really stressing out about it and I just need to get a team meeting together but even that just seems like too much work. And no one is joining my team, and I need more people, and more money. It is upsetting. I love Relay for Life, but I am really not okay with leading this whole thing by myself because I didn't even sign myself up for it, and it is so much responsibility and I am afraid of responsibility.

I feel so fuzzy again. I was out of my fog earlier, but I have gotten myself back into it. I don't know what to do. Sitting at my desk for hours and hours every day doesn't feel like real life, I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I don't know what I need to do.

Obsessed

I'm so hooked on looking at tattoos. It's pretty crazy. I need to cut myself off right now so that I can do productive things... I have a few months until I want to get mine, anyway. I also have to think about timing; since I can't have it in water or in direct sunlight for a while after I get it, I don't want to do it right before I go to the beach... and I don't want to have to worry about it while I'm in England. AND since I'm not allowed to have tattoos at my work, I probably don't want to have to have a bandage over it at work because it'd draw attention. I want it to be healed or not there yet when I work so that I can cover it up with a bracelet or a band-aid or something. I'm not too worried. Also it shouldn't be very expensive, which is always good. Well. Not too cheap or it wouldn't be good.

I really want to post some of the tattoos I came across yesterday on here, but I probably shouldn't since I don't have the rights or anything. But. Hm. Whatever, I'm just going to put some pretty ones on here anyway; I found nearly all if not all on Flickr by searching for "text tattoo" or "wrist tattoo."

I just think these are beautiful. I know this isn't interesting to anyone else, most likely, but it's fascinating to me. I love words. I love reading, and writing, and writing on myself, and I need a constant reminder of what I forget to do the most: Love.

I Fought the War

I fought the war,
But the war won't stop for the love of God.
I fought the war, I fought the war,
But the war won.

I really enjoy this song. Metric is fantabulous. I am waiting for a Metric/Haiti relief shirt in the mail, actually. I really need to stop being such an impulsive buyer on the Internet, but I justified that purchase because it was the only way I donated to Haiti... oh well...

For some reason, for the past several months (ever since the beginning of winter break), I have been on a getting-rid-of-stuff kick. When I was at home my room just felt so cluttered, and I was freaked out because it was only all of the stuff that I hadn't brought to college... so I got rid of a TON of things. And then I came back to school and felt like I had too much stuff, as well... so probably when I move back home for the summer Goodwill is going to be receiving a lot more things. I'm also trying to find a place where I can donate old prom/homecoming dresses. I don't really have a use for them anymore (although I wish I did) and I know there are charities that are specifically for such dresses, but I just don't know where any are in Maryland. I'll figure it out, I suppose.

So in one of my classes today I decided to make a page in my journal of self-affirmations. Just little positive sayings about myself. Social Psych says it is supposed to make you feel better if you say such things to yourself... so I thought I'd make a list to carry around with me. Just don't want people to see the page and be like "What is that girl doing." Ah well.

I have been feeling a little bit dead the past day or so. I'm counting on dance practice to kick me out of my head and back into the real world. We'll see.

Tuesday

I got a 95% on my Psych midterm! I'm pretty happy about it. I guess that is a reason that I should actually study for tests more. I usually don't but I studied with Julie for that one and it helped me.

I am STILL on a New Pornographers kick from this weekend. They are good. Listen to them.

Do any of you guys stalk my Last FM too? I miss when more people used to use Last FM because it is a lot of fun and I like to be able to see what other people are listening to. And currently listening to. It is like live stalking. It is awesome. Also I am always up for music suggestions because I am a big music nerd. Although if you do keep tabs on my Last FM you will be able to see that I don't vary what I listen to a lot. Get on kicks. Although everyone does, I feel like. I have so much new music to listen to that I haven't been keeping up with me. I just don't listen to it a lot at school because I am always doing something else.

I really need to get on a Vampire Weekend kick right quick because I am going to see them next month! April 3 at DAR Constitution Hall in DC. I've never been there before, nor have I seen Vampire Weekend live, but I am SO SUPER PSYCHED about it. They are just such a good band and I am going with Mark so it is guaranteed to be a good time.

I got woken up at 7 in the morning today by the dorm phone ringing. That phone never rings unless it is a telemarketer, basically, but it has such an annoying loud ring that I instinctively get out of bed to run and get it anyway. So I think I got there before Sarah was even awake, and I picked up expecting a telemarketer, but it is a guy asking for Sarah, and I am like what? Why is someone calling? It was weird because on Tuesdays I wake up at 9 and Sarah is already gone to class, so I had no idea what time it was since she was still asleep. So she checks her watch when I get the phone and she's like "what? It's 7 in the morning" so I just give her the phone because the guy said he was calling to follow up on a survey he asked her yesterday.

...What kind of survey follow-up happens the day after a survey happens? I don't get it. When I came home yesterday Sarah's like "if anyone ever calls you asking you to answer some questions, don't do it, I was on the phone for 20 minutes earlier." Sooo I was not really happy when the phone rang this morning and he actually wanted her to do more. I don't have any idea why she didn't just be like "I was SLEEPING let me GO" because I would have. In a nice way. But still. I go to the bathroom after I give her the phone and I come back and it was... a weird discussion to overhear... especially since I have NO idea how it was related to yesterday's survey. She hasn't given me the full story yet, all I know is that it isn't a student from here, and it's allegedly for a Philosophy paper or something? It really doesn't make sense to me. I think it is a creepy dude that has nothing better to do. I dunno.

I am going to go for a walk with Mark before dinner! It should be nice, if it is not freezing. Later!

Done

I FINALLY finished the Toothpaste for Dinner archives. It prevented me from finishing my paper that I am working on right now, sure, but I am already on the third page out of the required three anyway. So that'll be done real soon. Juuust wanted to make that obviously really important announcement.

Even more important announcement: 11 days until Spring Break.

March!

March March March March March.

That sounds like spring to me. I'm happy.

So last night was the first night I've been in my own bed in a couple of nights, and right before I fell asleep, I was just staring at the ceiling and thinking like I usually do, and it was nice. It was like being on my own at night reminded me of how lucky I am to have someone to be with other nights. I just. I had this big wave of happiness and feeling lucky, and it was great. I am the luckiest.

I should be studying for my Spanish exam at 10:40, but I'm not... oops.